do u ever love someone so much you just don’t know how to describe it but thinking about them just makes you want to explode with love & joy for them & u just wanna hold them tight & never let go bc u just love everything about them & they’re just so great
I’ve never felt this before and I’m starting to think I might never??? I’ve never had feelings for someone that weren’t laced with guilt or heartbreak or just sadness. I really want to find someone one day where I can feel this way but as soon as someone likes me I stop liking them ?? It’s so easy for me to get repulsed by the idea of someone even if they’ve done nothing wrong. My brain is always telling me to run and get by myself. I never really feel lonely. But that’s not even true because I do. But it’s lonely ??? For a feeling ??? . Sometimes I think I might be asexual. I think about this constantly. I can’t be aromatic because I’ve fallen for people. BUT BOTH TIMES I FELL IT WAS AFTER I ALREADY KNEW IT WOULDNT WORK. But I definitely want “a someone”. I want what all those songs sing about, what all my friends describe, what everyone seems to be obsessed with. But even if you asked me to describe my dream person I couldn’t tell you what they were like. I COULDNT EVEN TELL YOU THEIR GENDER. I’ve had friends hit on me. Or tell me they like me. But I would never be comfortable doing anything sexual. My therapist thought it was strange I wouldn’t but once my friends are my friends they’re like siblings. I’m not going to want to fuck a sibling ???? But what if we take sex out of it and go back to thinking I’m asexual. Because sex has always freaked me out anyway. It feels good sure but if a witch told me one day I had to choose between sex and samosas I’d choose samosas. My ONLY hesitation just stems from other people liking me because of sex. That after sex cuddle shit. The texts to come meet up. But the sex itself ??? Close my eyes, make the noises, wait until it’s over. I don’t have 0 sex drive. But my libido is hella low. And when it seems to be what everyone would fucking kill for??? I feel so wrong and out of place. But then I think ‘I’m not ace I’m just comparing myself to society and their sex crazed ways’.
But again, taking sex out of it, I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone that I would actually want to do all the love-y shit with.
Of course the thing is always “gotta wait for the right person” except I think I met the right person. Three times actually. And I fucked it up every time. Never deliberately, but I would pick at threads until there was just chaotic yarn everywhere.
This wouldn’t bother me so much except it’s everywhere. Every song, all over this hellsite, every movie, every television show, every advice podcast, every book, every other gossip news story. Humans love love. And rightfully so. It seems to have brought a whole lot of good to a lot of people. But man.
It fucking sucks being me lmao.
(via kiwidotcom)
